When people look from a distance they see your strength, your courage and your forever shining determination. They see you are independent and you have bigger goals than fears. But they don’t know that this wasn’t how we always were, it’s taken years of practice to build and maintain, just like a killer physique. You see we’ve faced our demons, both real life ones and those within ourselves. Obstacles have become a part of life we no longer fear.
I tossed this topic over and over in my head for many years, neglecting to really acknowledge or feel it again, it’s often easier to embrace the person you are without taking into account who you once were. You see, sometimes demons never really go away; they leave a little scar you replay many times, some demons you have to conquer years later.
I am strong because this is who I’ve had to become to overcome some demons that left me feeling weak mentally, never physically because that strength always came naturally and was envied by weedy people. You see bullies will only play on your weaknesses. So when you fight me with words I will not retaliate, I am above that, I choose to ignore, but sometimes there is only so much you can ignore. My deaf ear and my previous inability to fight with words allowed demons to take advantage.
You can’t belittle a person’s character and make them feel inferior and expect them to be ok with it, I never was but I ignored and ignored because physically I was strong enough or so I thought. Now I know that no matter how strong physically you are, you cannot battle a bunch of bullies alone mentally. They seek power in packs and how can one teenage girl beat a group of nasty creatures?
The name calls, the nasty looks, the pushing in the corridor, the isolating you from peers, the sneering at your abilities, it all builds up even for the strongest of people, it gets in your heart and it changes your whole life. I spent my later years on secondary school bullied and intimated by a group of individuals how were threatened by my strength to refuse to allow them dominate and demolish my happiness, I took a stand and I combined with parents and loved ones to shame those individuals.
However, they drastically affected my leaving cert year and stole me of equal opportunity, somewhat enabled by a school that failed to punish such behaviour. I often refused to go to school or I would leave early to avoid classes they would be in, all unnoticed by staff. I documented all happens on paper and with the support of family I sought to fight this problem. It was resolved by moving classes to avoid clashing with such persons, but there was no punishment, I suffered the most as I was the one moved from majority of subjects. In fact, one student went on to be awarded for their academic performance at graduation- student of the year. I was awarded for my sports but refused to accept or be part of such mockery that tolerates bullies. When this issue was highlighted to the principle he said he had forgot, unfortunately that was not so easy for me. But let me tell you bullies do not win.
I look back today and I do not hate, nor do I have ill feelings towards any because life has a lovely way of serving people what they deserve. I live my life to the full and at twenty three years of age I have achieved so much more than they said I wouldn’t, I have excelled. Meanwhile, certain individuals lay stagnant, in the same small village, seeking shelter in the same pathetic group of dysfunctional beings, with no hope of progressing. They have no hobbies and from the outside it would appear they are far from flourishing or genuinely happy, life has remained the same. What a horrible way to live.
I have transformed myself into a lady who possesses a full suit of armour with low body fat; it cannot be penetrated by the words of people I do not value. Mentally I am stronger than I ever thought possible, they helped create a monster they will never beat. My physical strength was never a match, hence why they never challenged me from that angle, but just for the record I am now strong enough to beat ye all on my worst possible day (every punch I threw I visualised each of yer faces on my opponents, sometimes I wished it was yer faces those nasty front kicks landed on). My life is filled with happiness and ambition, living each day to the full, to the bad times I owe thanks for that skill. Most importantly to the bullies I owe thanks for highlighting the power I held inside. Ye created a woman who no longer fears others in any aspect.
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